A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again
and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break
this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the
wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in
insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you
want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if
you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher,
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and
you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Something New
So I've got these really big ideas for posts, right, but I don't often have the time to type, edit, and post them, so I thought, "If people are going to read this thing, then post something. So I thought "Why not these joke e-mails I get?
They're funny and they're easy to post. So here goes one for today (and I apologize for any I may repeat in the future).
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
They're funny and they're easy to post. So here goes one for today (and I apologize for any I may repeat in the future).
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila
Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Premieres and Notables; Jan 7-13, 2008
I don't remember if I had ABC's Cashmere Mafia premiere tonight on last week's post, but it premieres tonight at 9:01 CST.
Monday, 1/7
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations; Travel. 9 pm CST. 4th season premiere.
Medium; NBC. 9 pm. 4th season premiere.
Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann; ABC. 7 pm. Series Premiere.
Two judges from Dancing With the Stars find something to do until the March premiere of that show.
Tuesday, 1/8
How Much is Enough?; GSN. 8 pm. Series premiere.
Corbin Bernsen hosts this gameshow that has four people competing to not be the greediest...
One Tree Hill; CW. 7 pm. Season Premiere.
In a ballsy move, the show jumps forward four years in time, to the post-college years of the characters. Kinda cool-- it avoids the whole B.S. "everyone ended up going to the same college" storyline that other shows have fallen into.
Street Patrol; MNT. 7 pm. Series Premiere.
This COPS knock-off is brought to you by COPS creator John Langely.
Parking Wars; A&E. 9 pm. Series Premiere.
This reality show looks at the Philadelphia Parking Authority officers who enforce parking laws. [Are you f-bombing kidding me?]
Carpoolers (ABC, 8:30) returns from a brief hiatus, and the pilot episode of House airs tonight on FOX at 8:00 pm.
CBS tries to air the People's Choice Awards at 8 pm. Somehow it's "hosted" by Queen Latifah (without help by the striking writers) and will incorporate acceptance video clips by the winners since no one will cross the picket line.
Wednesday, 1/9
Ghost Hunters International; Sci Fi. 8 pm. Series Premiere.
A ghostbuster team investigates the paranormal. Geez... and I thought the network's endless airing of s-bomb-y made-for-TV movies was bad.
The Jewish Americans; PBS. 8 pm (check listings). Mini-series.
This three-part series explores Jewish-American history.
And Cashmere Mafia goes to its regular timeslot (9 pm, ABC).
Thursday, 1/10
Live From Lincoln Center; PBS. 7 pm (check local listings). 33rd season premiere.
Thirty-three seasons? Dang!
Soundstage; PBS. 9 pm (check listings). 6th season premiere.
The first two weeks feature a Tom Petty concert in Florida.
Make Me a Supermodel; Bravo. 9 pm. Bravo.
Well, Thank God Bravo finally stepped up to the plate and responded to the dearth of modeling reality shows. Now young women have a show to go on and compete for a modeling contract. Pretty ingenious idea...
And it just may be possible that one of the the Charisma Carpenter guest-starring episodes of Big Shots that ABC keeps pulling from the schedule just may air tonight at 9:02.
Friday, 1/11
Comedy Central Presents; Comedy central. 9 pm. 12th season premiere.
Stephen Lynch opens the season. [I thought Com Central had given up the stand-up shows... Nice to see they're still there once in a while.]
My Big Redneck Wedding; CMT. 8:30. Series Premiere.
I usually don't include CMT programs in these posts but I had to mention this one. As if redneck weddings weren't cool enough, the show is hosted by Tom Arnold. I just may watch this one.
Monk has some premiere of some sort (season premiere?) on USA at 8 pm. It's hard to tell with all the premieres and specials and all that where this show lies in the "premiere" department.
Real Time With Bill Maher; HBO. 10. 6th season premiere.
Oh good! I was feeling less informed than usual of late. I can't wait until this show comes back. Recommended (wow, it's been a long time since I wrote that in one of these posts).
Saturday, 1/12
Jamie at Home; Food Network. 8:30 am. Series Premiere.
Chef Jamie Oliver lives in a farmhouse, grows his own vegetables, and then cooks 'em up.
Rachael's Vacation; Food Network. 8 am. Series Premiere.
Rachael Ray milks one more second of her fifteen minutes of fame in yet another show.
Sunday, 1/13
Masterpiece; PBS. 8 pm. 38th season premiere
The formerly named Masterpiece Theatre splits its shows up into thirds this season. The first third is classic dramas. Tonight opens with Jane Austin's "Persuasion".
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles; FOX. 7 pm. Series Premiere.
Tonight and tomorrow launches one of the most-anticipated (even more so now that the strike has killed many shows) new shows of the year. Sarah and John try to rebuild their lives while avoiding the Terminators sent to kill them.
I have a few friends who watch this, so I'll mention it: VH1 airs a second season of Rock of Love, where 20 new skanks and media whores are trotted out so Bret Michaels can eventually drop them all and have a season three. The fun begins at 8 pm.
And NBC will air the very quiet Golden Globes at 7 pm. Writers won't be writing for the show, and the Screen Actors Guild announced that their members will not cross the picket lines this week. At least this way, the show shouldn't run over 3 hours...
Monday, 1/7
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations; Travel. 9 pm CST. 4th season premiere.
Medium; NBC. 9 pm. 4th season premiere.
Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann; ABC. 7 pm. Series Premiere.
Two judges from Dancing With the Stars find something to do until the March premiere of that show.
Tuesday, 1/8
How Much is Enough?; GSN. 8 pm. Series premiere.
Corbin Bernsen hosts this gameshow that has four people competing to not be the greediest...
One Tree Hill; CW. 7 pm. Season Premiere.
In a ballsy move, the show jumps forward four years in time, to the post-college years of the characters. Kinda cool-- it avoids the whole B.S. "everyone ended up going to the same college" storyline that other shows have fallen into.
Street Patrol; MNT. 7 pm. Series Premiere.
This COPS knock-off is brought to you by COPS creator John Langely.
Parking Wars; A&E. 9 pm. Series Premiere.
This reality show looks at the Philadelphia Parking Authority officers who enforce parking laws. [Are you f-bombing kidding me?]
Carpoolers (ABC, 8:30) returns from a brief hiatus, and the pilot episode of House airs tonight on FOX at 8:00 pm.
CBS tries to air the People's Choice Awards at 8 pm. Somehow it's "hosted" by Queen Latifah (without help by the striking writers) and will incorporate acceptance video clips by the winners since no one will cross the picket line.
Wednesday, 1/9
Ghost Hunters International; Sci Fi. 8 pm. Series Premiere.
A ghostbuster team investigates the paranormal. Geez... and I thought the network's endless airing of s-bomb-y made-for-TV movies was bad.
The Jewish Americans; PBS. 8 pm (check listings). Mini-series.
This three-part series explores Jewish-American history.
And Cashmere Mafia goes to its regular timeslot (9 pm, ABC).
Thursday, 1/10
Live From Lincoln Center; PBS. 7 pm (check local listings). 33rd season premiere.
Thirty-three seasons? Dang!
Soundstage; PBS. 9 pm (check listings). 6th season premiere.
The first two weeks feature a Tom Petty concert in Florida.
Make Me a Supermodel; Bravo. 9 pm. Bravo.
Well, Thank God Bravo finally stepped up to the plate and responded to the dearth of modeling reality shows. Now young women have a show to go on and compete for a modeling contract. Pretty ingenious idea...
And it just may be possible that one of the the Charisma Carpenter guest-starring episodes of Big Shots that ABC keeps pulling from the schedule just may air tonight at 9:02.
Friday, 1/11
Comedy Central Presents; Comedy central. 9 pm. 12th season premiere.
Stephen Lynch opens the season. [I thought Com Central had given up the stand-up shows... Nice to see they're still there once in a while.]
My Big Redneck Wedding; CMT. 8:30. Series Premiere.
I usually don't include CMT programs in these posts but I had to mention this one. As if redneck weddings weren't cool enough, the show is hosted by Tom Arnold. I just may watch this one.
Monk has some premiere of some sort (season premiere?) on USA at 8 pm. It's hard to tell with all the premieres and specials and all that where this show lies in the "premiere" department.
Real Time With Bill Maher; HBO. 10. 6th season premiere.
Oh good! I was feeling less informed than usual of late. I can't wait until this show comes back. Recommended (wow, it's been a long time since I wrote that in one of these posts).
Saturday, 1/12
Jamie at Home; Food Network. 8:30 am. Series Premiere.
Chef Jamie Oliver lives in a farmhouse, grows his own vegetables, and then cooks 'em up.
Rachael's Vacation; Food Network. 8 am. Series Premiere.
Rachael Ray milks one more second of her fifteen minutes of fame in yet another show.
Sunday, 1/13
Masterpiece; PBS. 8 pm. 38th season premiere
The formerly named Masterpiece Theatre splits its shows up into thirds this season. The first third is classic dramas. Tonight opens with Jane Austin's "Persuasion".
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles; FOX. 7 pm. Series Premiere.
Tonight and tomorrow launches one of the most-anticipated (even more so now that the strike has killed many shows) new shows of the year. Sarah and John try to rebuild their lives while avoiding the Terminators sent to kill them.
I have a few friends who watch this, so I'll mention it: VH1 airs a second season of Rock of Love, where 20 new skanks and media whores are trotted out so Bret Michaels can eventually drop them all and have a season three. The fun begins at 8 pm.
And NBC will air the very quiet Golden Globes at 7 pm. Writers won't be writing for the show, and the Screen Actors Guild announced that their members will not cross the picket lines this week. At least this way, the show shouldn't run over 3 hours...
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