Pay Your Debts

I know; I'm sorry-- not much original stuff lately. I'm actually doing my Best Of homework and getting ever-closer to publishing it.

In the meantime, though, I figure I could at least entertain you. Here's a joke from my friend Allan that had me rolling on the floor:


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who happened to also be the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, laughed as he told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story....... Be sure to pay all your bills.

Two Lines That Say So Much

I must be in one of those moods. Here's the content of an e-mail "joke" my friend Becky sent me.


The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

My Favorite Things-- Bumper Sticker

Here's a scan of a great bumper sticker I had to buy. It's not quite as relevant now as it was when I bought it two years ago, but I figure The Evil Empire (Darths Bush, Cheney, and Rove Sidious) can still go down swingin' in the next eighteen months, and I'll have to break it out again:

My Favorite Things-- Whack Ads

On my vacation last year, I found this great book by Ed Polish and Darren Wotz called You Say I'm Bitch Like It's a Bad Thing which takes advertising images from the '40s, '50s and '60s and adds sassy captions. Here are some scans of pages. I laugh my ass off every time I look at this thing.

These images were not reproduced with permission, but maybe I'll avoid trouble if I add a link to Amazon you can use to buy your own copy right here.

Until then, enjoy this brief glimpse [Note: naughty language ahead]:

And my all-time favorite; the one I liked so much, I had to buy the magnet (I don't have anywhere to put it, but at least I know I own it):

Time to Man Up

Kenny Mayne gives it to guy who uses a cuddle toy club cover.

Mayne Event:Jerry Rice Plays Flag Football

I dig Kenny Mayne's pieces. This one is great. "It's Jerry Time!"

Funny or Die

You may remember a while back when I directed you all to probably the funniest video I've found online, featuring Will Ferrell and his landlord. If you don't remember it, check it out here.

Well, they've done it again. This time, Ferrell is brought into the police station to sign a confession. There IS some bad news at the end of this vid, but just try to remember what has already been shared with us and then savor it a little more.

This doesn't feature Ferrell or Pearl, but is pretty funny-- but a little raw.

The Critics Have Spoken

Here are some links to the Summer 2007 Critics poll announced a few days ago. I'll make a link for each page of results and the "recap" write-up from tvweek.com, but if you don't want to come back for each one, there are links on the tvweek.com page you can use instead.

Series Poll
Best Series write-up
Worst Series write-up

Mini-series and Specials Poll
Mini-series and Special write-up

As an added bonus, here's what critics thought of some of the
Fall pilots.

FOX Fall Premiere Sked

TVguide.com posted the premiere schedule for FOX. I can't believe I have another two and a half months before Prison Break returns.

FOX Premiere Schedule

Disaster Averted

I was on vacation for a week and came back to find out the DVR had some problems and needed to be replaced. So I lost everything: John in Cincinnati and Flight of the Conchords episodes and the premiere of Big Brother and Part 1 of the "Nature" episode of Moral Orel. I won't even go into the loss of the one Star Trek: Enterprise episode I don't have on tape and waited five months to rerecord (I was hoping to rig up something to get the DVR to record to the VCR).

Not the worst thing to happen in the world, but disappointing.

But there is a little bright spot as I could catch the missed Big Brother and Moral Orel episodes on the Internet. And while I was there, I found some cool Moral Orel video links on the [adult swim] website:


First is when Orel saves his urine because God hates waste, and has to tell Doughy "I'm not drinking lemonade."

Next is Clay teaching Orel what it means to be grown up.

And what happens when Orel realizes God in him.

Orel spreads the Gospel lesson of turning the other cheek

And one of my favorite lines of all time is what Orel says after Principal Fakey asks him if he knows what happens to little boys who masturbate.